Koyra didn’t make it to her appointment to be put to sleep today. She died on our porch outside the kitchen window while Crystal cried while cleaning the kitchen inside. Koyra wouldn’t let Crystal comfort her during her final hours today, but she made sure she was where she could hear her “Momma’s voice.” And where was I? Unfortunately, I was at work trying frantically to finish what had to get done so that I could get home and be the one that took Koyra to the vet. Is this another thing that I can attribute to being grown up and responsible now? Did I make the wrong decision? Should I have left work regardless of the consequences? The way I feel right now, I wish I had. Crystal told me that Marcail had said, “Bye-bye, Koyra.” about the time that Koyra passed away, unbeknownst at the time. Meanwhile, my first thoughts upon hearing that Koyra was gone, went immediately to Marcail. I knew we were probably going to lose Koyra soon, but I had thought it would be before Marcail could form any attachment or understanding. I would never have thought that her being only 16 months old, I’d be completely wrong. This evening while Crystal was at the Linkville performing, Marcail and I were hanging out at home. We went out to hang up some laundry. She played on the deck while I hung the clothes. Suddenly, I realize that she is squeezing her head tightly between the rails to look out into our yard calling, “Koyra?” I tried to tell Marcail that Koyra was “gone” or “not here” or went “bye-bye.” But she simply called for Koyra again just like she does when Crystal or I are gone. How do I explain it to her? Then, when I fed Marcail dinner, she did it again. Every night after taking Marcail from her high chair, I let Koyra in to clean up anything that may have fallen to the floor while Marcail ate. Sometimes, if I don’t have the gate up and Koyra comes in while Marcail is eating, she is rewarded by Marcail with “accidentally” dropped food from little hands. Whenever Koyra eats one of these treats that Marcail provides her, she is rewarded by a little voice saying, “googurl!” Marcail chose tonight to, for the first time, look toward the mud room as I took her from her high chair and call for Koyra. I felt like she knew that it was now time for me to get her to come clean up the floor and she didn’t know why I hadn’t. Again, how to explain?

I have to admit that over the many years that we’ve had Koyra, or any pet I guess, I haven’t been the biggest fan of having pets. According to the way that it seems to Crystal, I hate our pets. Sometimes I can see why it seems that way. I’ve never hated the pets. I’ve often hated cleaning up after the pets and at times have fully regretted having as many pets. And sometimes that anger has come through very loudly and clearly. But no matter the offense, no matter the mess, over the last eleven years, Koyra was a very, very “Googurl.” She will be missed by all of us.

 

w/many regrets

Jason

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