When I was a kid (heck all the way up through my late teens) our old or sick pets always disappeared while I was sleeping or at school.  My parents always told me how they died peacefully and how they weren’t hurting anymore and then held me when I cried – maybe a little misty-eyed, but calm and very self-assured.  When I was old enough to know that an animal had to be euthanized I was still never informed until after the fact and my parents sounded so confident and assured that this was the right, humane and decent course of action that I never once doubted those opinions because my parents were making them and they knew what they were talking about.  They were PARENTS afterall. 

Only… now I’m a parent and I still don’t feel near so confident and calm about things. 

Our family dog, Koyra… whom we will have had for 11 years in November, who has been with us through moves and family vacations , who, when my nephew was a baby she would curl up around his bassinet and whine when he fussed, who sat with her head in my lap when I cried for days after my miscarriage, whose name was one of the first words Marcail could say, in fact – she still refuses to believe me when I tell her that Koyra is a dog rather than all other dogs being a Koyra… is very, very sick and must be put to sleep. Today – in about an hour. Her health has been on a pretty rapid decline since May and listening to her struggle for breath is one of the most awful things I’ve ever had to endure but I still can’t hep but feel awful about this decision. 

What if I’m making the wrong choice?  What if I could have done something better?  What if.. what if… what if?  I cried so hard after I called the vet today that I actually scared my Marcail.  How’s that for being a self-assured adult?  I mean, I didn’t expect all the answers to come rushing out with the embryonic fluid or anything but I feel like I should know better or feel better or… something.

I just want an adult to come in and make the right decision for me and hold me while I cry. 

w/love & a lot of sorrow,
Crystal

Advertisements