So I did the confessions of a pregnant woman and I’m sure you’ve all been waiting with bated breath to hear my confessions as a new mom.  You know… the three regular readers I have (hey, Jenn, Ami & Aunt Julie!).  So here goes, here are the things none of my mommy friends or any of the parenting magazines ever mentioned:

1. Breastfeeding is NOT as beautiful and amazing as everyone says it is.  It’s hard and it hurts and just when you think you’ve got the hang of it, your baby gets teeth. 

2. Some days I wish they made baby straight jackets.  Or something to keep a paci firmly stuck in a mouth.  Or a way to keep your sleeping baby in the car while you run in to get the mail… Or all other sorts of terrible things you should never do to your child.   But I still find myself wishing on occasion.

3. Even though Jason is the MOST amazing, supportive and involved husband and father I’ve ever met there are times I want to smack him upside the face.  Sometimes he doesn’t deserve it all (I know for a fact that he didn’t mean to cough so loudly in the shower while getting ready for work that it woke the baby) and sometimes… I think he’s asking for it (what do you mean you FORGOT to bring a diaper bag?!) 

3a. I think boys think girls have instruction manuals for babies and we’re just not sharing.  Why else ask me questions like “How much is the prescription going to cost?” or “How much carrot is she going to eat?” or “Do you think she’s teething?” or “What do I do with her when she just seems to want to scream?”  “When should we start giving her meat?” “How much water can she have?” How the heck am I supposed to know? I’ve never done this before either! 

4. I wish my daughter had a snooze button.

5. Nothing is more pitiful than the sound of my daughter trying to breathe through a congested head.

6. I always assumed that “Mommy Brain” was a myth or at least highly exaggerated.  But the other day when I looked and looked for my debit card as I held it in my hand, I realized that it’s not. 

7. I have some very strong feelings about things like sleep training, letting my baby cry it out, feeding on demand and a few other child-rearing subjects… and yet, I’ve found that after midnight I throw all my principles out the window and the only thing I feel strongly about is sleep.

8. Every new stage of my daughter’s life scares the crap out of me.  Once I got the hang of breastfeeding and stopped being paralyzingly afraid of SIDS I started freaking out about her safety while crawling, potential food allergies and the possibility of developmental delays (and really I haven’t stopped being afraid of the first ones, I’ve just gotten used to the fear).

9. I feel useless at home a lot.  You’d think being home 3.5 days out of a work week would mean my house would be clean and the laundry would be done and all my theatre business would always be caught up and I’d have read the giant stack of books sitting on my end table and I’d have taken up some new and productive hobby like sewing but, while my house is probably overall cleaner than it was when I was working full time, it’s by no means where I thought it might be.

10. As much as I love LOVE staying home with my daughter most days, I’m pretty grateful that I”m not a full-time stay at home mom.  How sad is it that my actual paying job is the closest thing I get to a ‘break’ all week?!

11. I really love making my own baby food, using organic veggies, baby wearing and cloth diapering.  Five years ago if you’d have told me that I’d be doing so many ‘granola’ things I’d have laughed at you. 

12. I probably take at least one picture of Marcail every day.

13. I desperately want to make my daughter’s childhood magical, whimsical and full of happy memories.  Big emphasis on desperately.  It might border on an obsession, actually.

14. I’m not sure I really remember what it was like before she came along.

15. I dyed my hair in hopes that people would notice that and not the fact that I rarely have time to do my hair or makeup (not to mention that my clothes are ill-fitting an covered in spit-up). 

16. It really does hurt my feelings when people ask if Marcail is adopted or if they assume she’s the dark haired woman in the rooms or any other insinuation that she’s not mine….

17. It might sound like I’m complaining (and I might be – just a little) but I wouldn’t trade any of the fear, sleep deprivation, drama and angst if it meant giving up even one of her smiles.