Tomorrow is the anniversary of my miscarriage which has me thinking… I spent a lot of years in pain, certain that I would never heal from the wounds caused by infertility and a miscarriage.  I had so many bleak days convinced that the universe was out to get me.  How could addicts and clueless 16 year olds be reproducing but I couldn’t?  And why were there so many damn baby bumps and cooing toddlers around me all the time?!!!  (I’m still not certain I wasn’t being stalked by baby carriages.)  I felt lonely and broken (and vaguely nauseous) much of the time… and I was certain it was permanent feeling.

But I realized today that it wasn’t… isn’t.  Sure, the fact that I’m forever branded with ‘fertility issues’  bothers me a bit and my heart still wonders about that first baby (as evidenced by my noticing the date at all) but not as much as before.  Instead of feeling like a freshly opened gash, now it feels more like a tight, slightly sore old scar.  I also realized what eased the pain.  It wasn’t time.  It wasn’t venting to a friend.  It wasn’t the new-found knowledge that there are so many more people out there like me than I ever thought possible.  It wasn’t even the love of my family or my super supportive husband.  It was Marcail.  The only thing that could have soothed the pain of of my miscarriage & my body’s betrayal was her… and she were so worth waiting for.

I have several friends who are wishing and yearning for a baby to call their own and I wish I could just share this feeling with them.  Heck, I wish I could go back in time and share it with myself!  How nice would it have been to have some confidence, some feelings of peace?   But the really funny thing is that I wouldn’t even have believed myself.  When you’re in the moment – when you’re hurting it seems like the hurt will never end.  Even people’s assurances of “You’ll have the baby you were meant to have,” sound like trite and hollow promises.  So instead here’s my hope for those friends (and for myself): I hope that I can be a friend in whatever way you need me.  I hope I can be a sounding board and a cheerleading session.  I hope I can be someone with whom you can share all those angry thoughts that you feel guilty even thinking.  I hope I can be a shoulder to cry on.  I hope that you can be honest with me about how you feel and what you want.  I hope I never come across as sanctimommious.  But most of all I hope that I can be there on the day you realize your heart is twenty times lighter than it has been in years.  Because I know it’s coming for you just like it did for me. 

Don’t believe me?  Then ask me to show you my journal entries from February 13, 2009 and then ask to see the latest picture of Marcail because the smile that lights my face right then is one I never thought I’d have.

w/love,
Crystal

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