Monday I was incredibly grateful for the child/infant CPR class I took before Marcail came.

I was trying to restock our kitchen with a fresh batch of baby food so I left Marcail and Sydney (The 20 months old I babysit on Mondays) happily playing in our TV room – which I felt comfortable with since they play well together and the room is baby proofed, completely open in the middle and kinda boxed in by the couches and the sunken nature of the room. BUT the kitchen is behind a corner so every few seconds I’d peak in to check on the girls and then go back to food prep at the counter. Everyone was doing great… until… I switched off the blender and heard choking. I rounded the corner to find that Sydney was fine but Marcail was on her back coughing and choking. I went up to her and did a finger sweep to find that she’d somehow found a small sprig of evergreen tree (my guess is that it was in the runner of the sliding glass door since I’ve vacuumed at least two dozen times since the xmas tree got taken down) and tried to eat it. It took two finger sweeps and dumping her over my knee to do the baby equivalent of the Heimlich maneuver but I finally got her to dislodge it (and vomit, but that is neither here nor there).

I got her cleaned up and calmed down and then calmed down the toddler who was huddled on a couch TERRIFIED, I’m sure by my super-intense behavior. After I got them both safely strapped into high chairs I told them I was going to go get lunch and went back into the kitchen and BAWLED. I got myself back under control before I brought them lunch but I probably shook for another hour and then cried again when it was time to go to bed.

I LOVE being a mother and even though it started out as a cost-saving measure more than a conscious lifestyle choice, I love staying at home with Marcail (much more than I ever thought I would) but this has got to be the most demanding, stressful and insane job in the world and on days like this, I feel like I’m just making it up as I go and I’ll never truly be good at it.

– Crystal